20-III-1980.

Frustrated with not finding a job at the opening of spring semester at high schools. There was a law that if there's nobody with a diploma to take a teaching position, a school was allowed to hire an absolvent (i.e. someone who finished attending a college, but still has exams left). At mid year, however, they had to post the job again, and if someone with a diploma (that would be me) came by, they'd have to ditch the absolvent and hire this guy.

This season the restriction was lifted, and they didn't have to re-post the ad. So no schools were hiring, and the restriction on hiring in computing centres was still on.

It didn't hit me immediately - it was the signs of spring that brought up my funny little neurosis. I had three symptoms: first, when I'd sit and then stand up, I had a feeling my knees would continue on their way behind me, without stopping when my legs got straight. Second, I had a mild dizziness - at moment I wasn't quite sure where the vertical was. I'd stagger a bit until I held to something - someone's shoulder, doorframe, pole - and then I'd find my vertical again and would be fine for a while. Saying „hold to“ is a bit strong, a single finger sufficed to find where vertical was. We'd walk down the street, pushing Go in a stroller, and I'd put a finger on her shoulder every dozen meters.

The third symptom was the funniest - some tiny muscle somewhere around my larynx would loosen or tighten at random, and I'd start speaking completely nasally. Sometimes it would switch between nasal and normal two or three times during the same sentence.

I went to the hospital to see a neourologist. She heard my symptoms, and prescribed me some lexilium. After reading the small print in the instruction sheet in the box, I realized I got a quarter of the minimal dosage. Which practically equals a placebo. Took it maybe once or twice and then we sat and analysed my situation. I obviously felt the burden of responsibility (I should work and feed the family), frustration at the first situation in my life which no effort on my side could fix, so I went slightly off the rails.

She provided a fix for me: I should start doing something just to be doing something and wait out the circumstances. So I went back to photography. Aside from taking regular shots of Go when she was being cute or outside, I started taking walks around the area, armed with a 300mm lens I borrowed from either DC-99 or Baja. The series I named "earth, water, city" and it mostly meant mud. The paved surfaces were insufficient for the amount of traffic, so every now and then a truck would get parked on soft soil, and then brought mud on the pavement. It would get kneaded and spread by tires, then thinned by rain, then more of it would come, and then the sunshine would reflect off it in weird patterns.

The series went nowhere, didn't make it to any exhibition, was not even praised much at the club, but hey, I had my project going for a while and the time passed. My symptoms went away in a couple of weeks.

Meanwhile, Go was growing just as a kid of so many months should. Gaining even some muscle.

---

Mentions: DC-99, Gorana Sredljević (Go), Jablan Škanata (Baja), šećerana, in serbian

26-III-2018 - 31-X-2025