19-VIII-1973.

Busy all day, sandpapering the window panes. Relatively lacking of sleep, I went on foot, bought a "Milion" in Gramag, engraved a dedication in ballpoint pen, feathered away to Mariška's, it's the birthday party. The company still thin but music good. Killed some time arguing with a guy, who claimed I can get a stereo sound from my radio with an adapter. She was sipping blackberry wine (still in production, after 2020!), then had beer, then sandwiches, mixing at large. Kicked right. Poured beer to Mariška's dog, then (... 256 words...)

After sobering up, in Mariška's kitchen, we promise not to give each other a month off anymore, and she won't drink no more. The decision on my side is that the deal we had in may, that after we reconvene in august, we keep until october and then she goes to study... is not good, too short, no matter how sensible it may sound. What we have among us is much stronger, we'll run it for as long as it goes.

(... 68 words...)

I escorted her, she gave me her bicycle, promised to come for it on wednesday, arrived home at half six.

Nothing was happening on monday. Possibly I was due a visit to the dentist, but that was out of consideration. There were two teeth to pull out urgently, but no, it won't work after a drunken night, so I didn't pull out the other one. It served me fifteen years more. This is where I learned not to trust dentists too much.

The "Boom 72" double LP came from Varaždinecs. I sand the windows, behind my back the Mladi Levi thunder. Vanji dropped by, dunno what for.

Next day, 21st, same except him.

On wednesday 22nd, there she is. Says (... 12 words...) "lemme see the pictures". I showed her the ones from vacation (except the one with Marta in my lap, that I sent to her via Franc, luckily Anja is nowhere), and then what Vanji picked for exhibition. Next to each other, she and mom with tongues stuck out, that made an impression. At the gate can't finish kissing, set time for tonight.

In the evening the fourth girl from her gang left us two deci of wine, she passed the popravni. She just kissed the bottle, the rest to me. We stuck to our hidden corner, I sipped the wine(... 110 words...) there the talk meandered away into infinity.

Twentythird, therefore my birthday, the crazy slides from vacation arrived. Granma treated me a certain sum, so I went and bought a slide projector, the simplest one, with just a box, lamp and lenses, no fan no mechanism, indestructible (still is).

Went with some cash to town in the evening, found Gavra and then to Nama to buy wine and rum punch, the punch finding disagreement among the gang, too sweet. It hit me a bit so I took Tejka to Vojvodina for a beer. Told her a lot of stuff, filtered though, there are things she may know and those she may not. There's a shadow of a bit of jealousy (... 2 words...) in her. She remembered those two minutes we had, which we then pushed into oblivion, happened then didn't. And "don't ever tell her, how could I look her in the eyes then" and "appreciate the attitudes" (that about my equality line - if I could have a time off, so could she). So that was done with, and then she suffocated me with her own troubles.

And, ah, yes, I'm an adult now. Don't feel any different.

The next day went to invite her to the birthday party, then Mariška too (just happened to drop by). I'll party with Gavra together, he's a week behind. I found her in some little sideroom(... 29 words...), talked long about how her folks built the house and how my folks do something every (other) odd year to the house. She showed me some needlepoint tapestry (gobelin) she did this spring. Then G. and Mariška came by and he fixed her radio. Then we split.

In the evening uncle Staja and Anica came - he was fixing our window panes so they'd fit tightly and close right, all weekend.

Some rain in the evening so neither of us went out.

On tuesday (25th) I waited for her in front of Dom. We decided we don't feel like getting in, so just made about face to the next kiosk, cigarettes matches. Met Gavra along the way, checked the guests list, 16 to 18 people, list locked.

(... 57 words...)

She said she couldn't eat all day on monday. oma asked her whether she had tried to smoke perhaps. That gave us a good laugh.

Then she got into one of her silences. So I kept up with mine for a while, then got annoyed, then said I'll end up in a nuthouse if we go on like this. "I'll keep visiting you", she said deadpan. Immortal.

(... 92 words...)

I got an impression that once, when we can't be together anymore, all the troubles and bad luck that passed me by so far, will find me one by one rapidly.

Twentysixth. Moved my room (to granma's). Bored a hole in the bookshelf to pass the power chord from behind. Argued with dad, he won't allow me to paint it, over the same reason: the walnut veneer. To him it's a sacred, high class thing, to me it's ugly, simply wrong color, spoiling the ambient. It ended up with absolute ban of touching it, to which I said long live democracy, to which he, as a communist, remembered that I haven't been beaten in quite a while, having run out of text.

In the evening in the disco my belly was fucking me a tiny bit, so I took a swig of vinjak from Gavra. It didn't work, and doesn't explain why I was so merry all evening. Excellent buzz. The pillars of Dom beat the parachuters (those who jumped the fence so not to pay the ticket). Sleš gave in on her insistence and played two things by Mlinarec. We parted relatively early, saying we'll meet at Gavra the next day early likewise, so she can wash my hair. She'll bring the shampoo, she said.

The next day, 27th, fought dad even worse. I'd like to have a nap, there's a long night ahead, and I had to wake up early, my driving lessons began. He'd like to rearrange stuff in the garage, some slats need to be moved, to make space for sand. Mom intervened, he ran me off to sleep. Then it turned out we were practically finished already. Of course he invents and revokes the work himself. Anything to make me look like a lazy bum who can't unglue his ass from the couch.

I remembered the "best birthday present" and fell asleep with a smile. I woke up on time, dad drove me to Gavra. I carried thirty lepinja (pizza-like buns, about 15cm diameter, 4cm tall), a jar of pickles, the hat, carnival trousers, jacket and some cash. Gavra was in a bathtub and sent me to mother's cunt for bringing no sausage and more music. Went to Bukac with dad, but he didn't have the tapes. Came back, Gavra quickly dried his hair, and we went to Nama to buy the rest. I fucked with him, having told him it's a scathing wind outside, so he took the vijetnamka (US military style jacket), and it was only a quarter košava. We left a message to the guests, made a show at Nama and yet managed to get everything in time, when half the guests already arrived. She came a bit later, tired she said, she went to Novi to submit her paperwork. She brought the shampoo.

The ceremony we opened with champagne, drinking with hands linked. Then I took my bottle to her, she was a tad unwilling but took a swig, then to Tejka and Dragana, then passed the bottle on and returned to her. Before the third rum (two of those were with lemonade) got to me, a conversation like this:

- do you consider me existing?

- you are just a perception

- but that perception, he has left you a heap of material evidence... which you also receive through senses, same as the rest of the world therefore whole world is perception. I don't know in how many instances I exist.

- how do you know that you exist in only one instance?

- that's not what I said, but in this instance of me I love this instance of you in this instance of the world, which is indivisible. Therefore, you can't erase me.

There we went fuzzy, as drinks arrived to our heads. Around midnight I ask for that hairwash(... 50 words...). Various folks passed by, Čarga, J.B. (Jozda has pneumonia, absent), Dragana, Tejka and a few more. The latter was mad, "you didn't need this" (sounds like "you shot your reputation" in serbian). March all into mother's cunt, and off they went. Combination of rum, her and later the warm air from the blowdryer lifted me somewhere high, high... so we landed in that armchair where that guy fell asleep during doček. There we drank... three more rums. Then sort of took off to go home(... 50 words...)

I escorted her around 4:30, return to Gavra and find J.B., Gavra and his brother sleeping in various places. Nothing to cover myself, nothing alcohol-free to quench my thirst. At 9:30 a neighbor woke us up, and we went to school to enroll into the fourth grade. I smudged my birth certificate with mustard. The biologian said she won't see me like this. It'll be tough, lecturing with eyes closed...

She appeared a bit later than the agreed time, brought an LP by Stones, the best of 1966-67, Arpi's pick, because it had motorbikes on the cover. Then we stood at Tekstil a bit and each to one's bus. See us on saturday.

Drivng in the afternoon. Kid and Vanji came by, returned "Boom 72", brought Chicago (5th).

On 29th, worked around the house, probably with the mason. In the afternoon went and replaced those Stones with Melanie - they are from a period before my time, not sitting right at all. Reading "Silent Don". The "1984" (from Rudolf) is at Vanji. Still somewhat sick from reading it.

On 30th, drive, working with majstor in the afternoon, went with mom to buy trousers.

On 31st, around the house in the morning, in the afternoon to Zajač with dad, grandfather is getting worse. I had a feeling this is our last encounter.

The rooms in the background confuse me - in my memory (and on older photos) that's where the stable was, and to the right of it there was a kitchen and a shed. He and his wife mostly stayed there, rarely in the newer house in the front of the yard. I don't know when was the stable remodeled, and why it had two doors. When I was a kid, grandpa would take both horses and give me a ride on his cart, a couple of kilometers, just so I could feel how it is. I remember saying that the ride was bumpier than in a car, which he then repeated to anyone who'd want to hear. The feeling is really weird, when horses start pulling its an imperceptible change from rest to moving, even smoother than a train. And quiet. Horses, somehow, did it uphill too - between the gate and the road there was just enough space, so he'd pull the brake, go down to close the gate, then run the horses and release the brake. The road is more than a meter above the gate, it's a considerable slope, but horses didn't mind, the same jerkless start as on a plane.

Don't know who the woman with kids in the door was. Could be auntie Janja if she was fatter; can't be tetka as her children are big girls. Probably a neighbor. I don't remember them having tenants, maybe they did. Don't know whose fića is behind, on the left, I see it was a newer model, with larger headlights. Zastava never managed to make its own presses, it was always the Italians who did them, so the design changes were reduced to what was screwed or hooked on, the mold stayed always the same. The plum trees are the same ones from fifteen years ago, finally grown enough to sit under.

At night, when we returned, cut my hair. It's a pity so much of it went away.

Mentions: Anica Tešić, Arpad Gunaroši (Arpi), auntie Janja, doček, Dom omladine, Dragana Vitas (Dragana), fića, Gavrilo Taroški (Gavra), Gradivoj Buković (Bukac), Jovan Zdanić (Jozda), košava, majstor, Mika Zelenić (Sleš), Novi Sad, oma, popravni, Rudolf Ochsner, Slavica Tejin (Tejka), tetka Mima, uncle Staja, Velemir Prokin (Čarga), Vilmoš Baranji (Vanji), vinjak, Zajač, Zoltan Kadar (Kid), in serbian